So, the story goes.. I was looking to for a book on Craig's List and ended up surfing to the Personals section out of curiosity and found a post by a guy who asked the question "Why Don't Indian Men Deserve Dates"?? Interesting question I thought and I felt I had few answers for him.. So, I posted a response on CL with my thoughts on it... And that my friends, began the flood of e-mails and responses to my post.
I am posting my response to him here as a starter and encourage you to share your stories, experiences, and thoughts as well related to both Indian men and Women.
Now some basic information for those of you who may not be aware of some of these things:
In the Indian American community, we have these classifications as listed below, and you would fall into one of these catagories for sure as an Indian (Desi - a native slang for Indian native):
- FOB - Fresh Off The Boat - These are the H1B workers, Students who came here for Master's and then transferred to start working here on H1, L1 Transfers, and pretty much anyone who has been here less than about 5 years. This also includes the housewives who come on H4 dependent visas. This is where you find the trousers and white Nike combination, the thick bushy mustache, the oiled hair, the constant only India being best rattle, the "visits" to India which turn into instant arranged marraiges and when the parents come to visit when the baby is born so that you don't have to hire a baby sitter crowd..
- ABCD - American Born Confused Desi (Indian) - This is if you are born in the USA but your parents are migrants from India. You are torn between peer pressures of American teens and young adults but also from families who want you to be complete Indians and not Americans. You want to keep your roots but not be sucked into the "arranged marriage" type of culture but though still at times, find it difficult to stand up against your parent's wishes. Hence the label, confused.
- IBCA - Indian Born Confused Americans - These are the ones who have been here for good 15-10 years or longer, born in India and grew up some there too. They too have similar issues to ABCD generations and find more in common with each other than with FOBs.
So, now you know the catagories under which the Indians classify themselves that are most commonly known. Now on to the post....
My Response To A Post On Craig's List:
RE: SO DO INDIAN MEN DESERVE NO LOVE ??? or DATES?
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: 2005-01-23, 9:41PM PST
I can tell you the reason why most girls, desi or non don't like to go for Indians. I have heard more than 100 stories in the last few years from every woman I know who has dated or tried a relationship with a desi guy.
1. There is always that, let's have a relationship now and I love you and I want to marry you but I won't tell anyone of my friends or family that you even exist. You are just a friend and then one fine day, make a trip to India to "visit" family and the guy either comes back married or engaged and his answer is "sorry but they forced me and now I can't do anything." Some get even worse and then say, I always told you my parents would never approve of anyone that I found and other b.s. things like that. My point is, desi guys tend to want to lie and are dishonest about long term futures even when things are going well and they don't have the balls to stand up for someone even if they love them. <<<-------- This is the BIGGEST reason why I know most women wont even look at a desi as a serious relationship matter.. What good is it if he can't be a man?
2. They are too cheap. I have actually had a desi guy ask me to split a bill at Taco Bell.. I mean, hey I don't mind going dutch but ocassionally it would be nice to see a guy actually making things a little romantic than finding the cheapest way to a date.
3. They are NOT romantic. They have no concept of how to treat a woman period. They don't know about bringing flowers on special occassions or sometimes, just cuz. They don't know how to show their emotions and care for someone. Their idea of a date is sitting at home or at Naz, watching a Desi movie over a dinner at an indian restaurant. They have no concept of doing something to please a woman and let's face it.. desi or not, women love romance.
4. They still live in the world of "I want to have fun with a gf right now" but when it comes to marriage, I want my wife to a be "pure virgin." They want to go around screwing people by lying and deception and that's why they go back home to get their so called "virgins" to marry. Another wards, they are hypocrits!! You can't build a long term relationship with someone who is a hypocrit, lies, and builds a relationship based on deception.
5. Ugliness, Hygine, and manners - Not every desi guy is a tall, dark and handsom. My friend dated a guy who admitted to her that even today, he doesn't like taking a shower and usually goes 3-5 days without a shower, using the D.O. Some of them lack complete manners. They are loud when you talk to them.. they talk at you and no with you.. sometimes they make funny sounds which are perfectly acceptible in India but not here... And, people, what's with that thick bushy mustache? This is a very indian thing.. Most guys in India like to keep a mustache because it represents manliness.. but what good is your mustache if you can't stand up for your own self, make your own decision, and despite being 20 or 30 or 40, have to follow your mom and dad's rules? Mustache doesn't make you a man.. and WOMEN Don't like it!!!! Get rid of it!!!
6. If you ever go to indian "matrimonial" sites, they look for "slim, fair, can cook, clean, working or prefer to stay home, can take care of my parents and children type" and when these desi guys try to date, they also look for the same. Dating is not the same as arranged marriage. Arranged marriages are like a
business deal and dating is when you actually get to know a person and see if there can be a future. Be open minded and ask for something that you deserve. I
have seen too many ugly guys wanting the Julia Roberts equiv. from indian girls and it's just not realistic. I mean, most desis can make a decision to marry
someone by meeting them for an hour yet, when it comes to dating, you seem to have too many demands that you yourself cannot adhere to.
I don't mean to generalize but most women will give you a reason or reasons between the above mentioned ones as to their experiences with a desi guy. Since there aren't that many desis to go around, once a woman has one or two experience like this, they stay away from desis in general.. Hence, anyone who may not even fit in to this catagory will suffer because of your fellow desi men who have used and abused these above mentioned criterias too much.
So, all of you desi men.. scratch that.. BOYS out there no matter the age.. Get with the program here.. Be sincere, honest, and pick which side of the culture fense you want to play in. You can't switch cultural sides when only it's fun to you and need someone for timepass. If you are seriously looking for a relationship that can be fun and turn into something meaningful, do the following:
- Clean Hygine.
- Don't hide your dating someone to anyone, be it your family or friends. No one is asking you to intoduce them on your first date but when you have moved to base 2 or further, it's time to stop hiding. Hiding shows you have no good intensions.
- Learn how to treat a woman and how to be romantic. There are plenty of free sites on the web that can give you some lessons on how to woo a woman or simply date.
- Be respectful and leave the hypocracies behind. Treat others as you would want to be treated. If you can just follow those four rules, your chances of being noticed and accepted by a woman are higher. Good luck.
End of Post.. And this my friend begun a flood of e-mails to me.... Update on the next Blog entry...